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Thursday, September 04, 2003
At school...

I'm at school... surprised they actually let me get into blogdrive here lol. I didn't go yesterday, was too sick. I still feel like shit today, but not as bad... my vision isn't as blurry when i stand up like yesterday. I can't wait to see what i get to do in my classes *rolls eyes* lol. I think i must be really sick... i'm wearing a skirt, to school. Oh well lol life goes on. I can't get enough of this eve 6 cd. I love it (Don't worry chris u'll get it back today for sure.) I think when i get money i'm going to buy it.

I'm actually surprised i slept last night, thinking a touch too much, and i was pissed off at my mom, we were arguing again cuz i didn't go to school and she said that if i wasn't well enough to go to school (or the hospitial with her, which she ended up not going anyways) than i wasn't well enough to have people over. Drives me nuts lol. Than she said i had to be off the phone at 10 (which sucks) and after that she tried to tell me that i had to go to bed at 10:30 cuz i was being a bitch. Well i wasn't going to go to bed at 10:30 just cuz she told me to lol.
Anyways i should go now so i can find out where my classes are. Laters

Posted at 08:35 am by DazedReality
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Thursday, August 28, 2003

School starts soon. which in a way is good, but in a way it sucks lol. I'd love for summer to last. I don't want to go back to school.. more time to be blah sitting all alone, talking to no one and writing, lol oh well at least i get a lot of alone time. I'm hoping to be able to get $40 so i can buy a pass to the gym for a year, i guess bryan has one too, so i won't be completly alone their, but i more than likely wouldn't see him. I dunno if i can even get money for it, my mom wants to buy me a yearbook, nad she's getting pics. Must burn pics!!!!! lol.  Hopefully i see my cousin a fair bit. I dunno...I went to the docs today, got my note, so i get a bus pss, and than he asked how old i was cuz he put me on new asthma medicine, and he was like what your not 16, and i was like heh i wish lol... and my mom was like why so you could move out, and i was like yeah (just bugging her, but that is part of the reason) and she was good goodbye lol see ya later. I was like cool... anyways i'm gunna go find something to amuse my mind with... ttyl

Posted at 02:47 pm by DazedReality
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Saturday, August 23, 2003

Hey ppl... i'm doing good now.. finally lol. I've been shopping the past couple days, got some pants and a pair of boots, and hopefully i am going to be getting some more money so i can buy a couple more thing i need before school starts again. I feel like i'm finally starting to pick up the pieces of my life... for now lol... things might get worse. Mom and Kevein might be getting a divorce, if that happens we might have to move because i don't think we will be able to pay rent and all the bills and what not. Yay on Mon my mom is going to pay the gas lol, so that means tues. i can go for a shower at my house. Thats good... mmm i feel blah lol. Oh well the past couple days i've had fun, like the other night for example lol. I'm not going to say what i did though. Stupid BBQ. lmao. Anyways i'm going to go find somethin to do.

Posted at 05:29 pm by DazedReality
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Thursday, August 21, 2003

Life is... odd lol. I have my good days and my bad days, sometimes they are a day or two apart sometimes weeks. Mon. was a bad day, Tues. as far as i can remember was alright, Today started out good, took my sister to the mall with my boyfriend, than we went to a couple places, than Charisma, than we started arguing because i asked if he minded if my friend came to a movie with us, after that things went all right. Except he wanted me to keep what i did from my best friend, probably doesn't help that me and her used to do "things" together, but yeah that was kinda hard because i'm not used to keeping anything from her. I mean she knew when i used to cut, or when i almost overdosed... she knew all that, and not telling her about my wrist this time is going to be kinda hard. I don't know. All i know is that i really hope i aint coming up to a bad day lol. I think at the moment i'm kinda emotional to go through another bad day. I mean earlier today while i was sorta arguing with Chris, i was almost crying... outside, at a C-train station. Which for me is very very odd.

I know i want to stop... doesn't everyone at one point, it's like an addiction that you can't leave alone. At times i wish i would just quit, and not do it again... other times i don't want to stop. It's like it's starting to take hold of me at times. I mean the other day when i did it after a couple mins i didn't even know what i was doing... it was like i was watching someone else do that in my body. Than there's times when i look down at my legs or my arms or somethin and i see scars and some scabs... and i think why the fuck do i do that. I don't know lol... i know i've been saying that a lot, but lately i've been kinda moody, and i don't know a lot of things.

Well lets sum things up for you...Mon i was depressed, Tues, i went to return Chris's webcam with him, than we went to the mall, than we went to see freddy vs. jason, which i thought was a good movie, than today i got soem money, and we went to the mall with my sister, than we went to sunridge mall, than we went a couple other places, and we saw S.W.A.T today with my best-friend. Anyways that's it for now... i don't know what else to put, so i'll write later.

Posted at 12:09 am by DazedReality
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Sunday, August 17, 2003

I can see tonight is going to be one of those nights. Like i said on my other site, i used to like nights but now for some reason i don't.  I hate walking inside my house... sometimes i even hate being alive. Tonight is just a fucked up ngiht like usual. I had a good day, than my mom comes over to Chris's to ask me if i could go to the store for her and if she could borrow a lil bit of moeny until wed. after that the day was still great. When i got home my uncle ron was hiding behind my bar waiting to scare me. Lets just say it worked. Than he offered to drive me to the store, and i was like sure why not. Than i get home, and  i find out that my mom and kevin are fighting again... and that the gas for the house probably is going to be hooked up sometime after the 20th, whenever my mom could get money, and than i start an arguement with Chris. Something i seem to like to do. Have you ever thought that maybe people expect you to be what they think you are, or maybe people think your something when really your not. I dunno. I just think that sometimes people put me up to high on their pedistal, they think too much of me. I don't know. I feel bad though when ppl put me so high up in thir mind, and when i do something they think that there's some normal reason, and theres not, i just let them down, and bring there hopes of me crashing down to the floor.  At the moment i don't really like life. I dunno at the moment i'm depressed again... i really gotta quit doing this... i hate life at the moment. Why is it that when i come home and go lay in my room i feel so alone, so helpless... i mean say i go down to my room one night and i decide to kill myself or somethin no one would even know till sometime late the next day. One question ppl.... answer honestly... Am i really as heartless and inconsiderate as it feels sometimes?  Oi... i don't want to write anymore... i don't want to say anymore thoughts of mine that people could easily mistake for somethin that they are not.
Night everyone *hugz*

P.S. btw Chris i care... and u know that... I love you so much more than life itself, but at times it seems like you've put me too high up, you've thought too much of me. Even the largest mountians crumble when either built too high, or pushed too far, and to tell you the truth at times i feel like i'm about to fall and bring your hops and everyone else's along with me. I don't know how strong i can be, I can't go on with ppl pushing my limits and seeing how far i go. Anyways i'm gunna go to bed now... I do love you... no matter what you say/think.

Posted at 11:33 pm by DazedReality
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Friday, August 15, 2003
YAY!!! lol

Hey everyone, Today so far has been good. I went for my results for the TB test i took, and they came back negative, so like i told everyone they were worrying for nothing.  So now i don't hafta worry about being to close to people or breathing on them lol.  I dyed my hair last night, walking around at night it looks black. It's awsome, in the daylight it looks a brown sometimes it look as if theres a tinge of red in it.  It's going to take a bit to get used to but i think i look good.  In ways i can't wait till school goes back, but in other ways i don't want to go back. My cuzin is going to be going to Forest Lawn this year too, so maybe i'll have a lil more ppl to talk to cuz i could always talk to some of her friends from bazz. When school starts i'm going to get a yearly pass to the gym there, and than i'm either going to work out at lunch time, or after school. I intend to tone up my muscles, cuz i'm not as strong as i was... but oh well lol. A lot of things have changed for me at the time. Almost all of them are good. My self esteem seems to be a bit higher than before, and i'm actually comfortable wearing a SKIRT!!!! odd hey lol. One of the bad things is though that i feel like i'm drifting again... i feel like i've floated away from my close friends, i know i'm never really alone, i've always got someone if i need them or if i want to talk, and for that i'm very grateful, cuz without the people who are close to me, close enough to listen when i need it, i would be feeling depressed way more often than i do now. Anyways i better end this now before i say a lot of stuff that doesn't make sense. lol

Posted at 03:46 pm by DazedReality
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Thursday, August 14, 2003
It's time for a completely different look.

Hi everyone. My mom allowed me out for a lil bit today so i decided to go to the mall and spend my money lol. I got hair dye, and white shirt that says punk rock, and has a lil tie, looks pretty cool, than i got a black mesh top, and (prepare to be shocked) a plaid skirt, with a lil chain on it. Plus i got batteries and gel and blue eyeliner and what not. So i guess you could say at the moment i'm in an awsome mood. On the weekend i want to get neck spikes, and maybe a pair of leather gloves. Who knows. Right now i'm sitting here typing this out waiting for the time to rinse the dye out of my hair. Ok Now i'm done, hairs dyed, just gotta go for a shower and rinse the rest out... anyways i'll write later.

Posted at 05:38 pm by DazedReality
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Wednesday, August 13, 2003
uumm... stuff lol

Hey ppl. I was in an odd mood earlier, not so much anymore, and i started writing. Thinking too, not thinking of anything important, just feeling pretty alone at the time.That feeling's gone now. Now i'm in an alright mood. Not quite sure what to say so i'll post part of the poem i started writeing... (feel special lol i don't usually do this :P)

Walking through the rain, no where to go, no one to see,
The only company i truely have is me,
My thoughts, My feelings, They just won't go away,
Will i ever find a place comfortable enough for me to stay?

My thoughts interrupted by a flash of light in the sky,
I jump, I don't know wether to luagh or to cry.
I lay down, not caring where i am, or that the rain is still falling,
I push these thoughts out of my mind, i'm just stalling.

There we go lol. Ummm.... not quite sure what to say. I'll write if i find anything interesting to say.

Posted at 06:17 pm by DazedReality
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Time to see what this looks like lol.

Hey, this is just a post to see how well everything goes together. I'll write more later.

Posted at 03:22 pm by DazedReality
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